Epic Shift

For the past few months now, Saturdays and Sundays are what's know as "Epic Shift" to my family and friends.  It's basically a 28 hour solo shift with my girl; starting from approx. 3am Saturday morning to approx. 8am Sunday morning.  I've been doing Epic Shift for the better part of three months now, and recently, for whatever inexplicable reason, it has gotten a lot harder to handle mentally.

I'm being 100% truthful when I say that I have no idea why.

Last weekend, I had a major mental breakdown, and it took nearly everything my wife had in her to pull me out of the dark hole I was in.  It was the worst I have ever felt in my life, and it was extremely scary.  I think I imploded because of the fact that all the tiny little things that have been stressing me out on a daily basis all built up into this huge powder keg, and with my work computer issues that I was having last week, it basically all went KA-BOOM!

I've mentioned before about the type of person I am.  I'm a worst case scenario type of person; I need to not only plan for Plan A, B, and C....but also Plan D, E, F, G...........and so on.  I need to have a plan and schedule for every possible scenario that I can think of, including the worst possible case scenario.

While a mindset like that is all fine and dandy, it's a horrible mindset to have once I became a father.  Imagine a daily existence where the scariest, most horrifying, worst case scenario is always running through your head, and you're struggling trying to plan for it just in case it happens one day, all while trying to take care of a baby and work at the same time.

No wonder I lost it last week.

Unfortunately, the breakdown I had came on Epic Shift, which made it even scarier because I was alone with Chandler all day.  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the absolute worst anyone can feel, I was at an 11 last week.

This week, I tried to approach Epic Shift a little differently.  Rather than the worst case scenario (which, let's be honest, will probably still continue to stew in my brain regardless of what I say to myself), I'm also trying to find some positives in every occurrence.  There's always one silver lining, no matter how small, that can make any situation more bearable.

I'm at a 4 this week with my anxiety.  That's a hell of a lot easier to cope with.  This morning started on a great note.  Chan slept all the way until 630am.  We had breakfast together, watched some Baby Einstein, then played for a while before she went down for her first nap.  She only fought that nap for about 5 minutes before zonking out.

The old me would be thinking "Oh God, I hope she naps for at least 1.5 - 2 hours!  If she doesn't, the whole schedule is thrown off....."

Me 2.0 is finding some positives.  First, this morning could not have gone any smoother.  Pretty much everything went to plan.  Second...AT LEAST SHE NAPPED!  I think subconsciously, I have doubts in my ability to successfully put Chan down for naps without it turning into a 2 hour screamfest.  It's strange that I doubt myself since I'm pretty much the one putting her down for the night almost every night.  We have some bad nights and some good nights, but I have never NOT put her down before.  So why the doubt?

I know from the outside looking in, my situation barely qualifies as a "situation" at all; I only have one kid.  I don't have twins, I don't have additional older children, my girl is happy and healthy....there should be no reason why I should have any down days at all.  

But my way of approaching life on a daily basis makes it much more difficult than it needs to be.  I hope I'm currently headed towards a path of less "clenching" and more just going with the flow.  It should turn Epic Shift into something I look forward to every week rather than something that I fear.  Because honestly, how awesome is it that I have one of these?